Allo-parenting — and why we all need to build our own village

Two weekends ago, two of my best friends (and fellow mums) had an adult sleepover while our partners were away for the weekend. We all have babies of a similar age (two of them born just days apart), and while our messaging thread kept us sane through newborn days, we haven’t spent nearly as much time as we would’ve liked - firstly due to melbourne-covid-lockdowns consuming our parental leave periods, and now due to the realities of busy working and parenting life.

A freezing Melbourne weekend spent going through the motions of typical days and nights with toddlers, but with camaraderie and support. Tag-teaming cooking, bathing, play, and enjoying putting our feet up over wine.

It was truly splendid - everything felt easier and more enjoyable. It is something I wish we could do more of.

Returning to our much quieter home this afternoon has me thinking about “alloparenting” - a term I was only recently introduced to by Julia Jones in my @newbornmothers training.

“Allo” is derived from a Greek word meaning “other” - and “alloparenting” is a term adopted by anthropologists to refer to caretakers in a child’s life other than the mum or dad.

Across the globe, many other cultures consider alloparents key to raising children. In those cultures, different “allo” parents float in and out - working together to ensure that children are fed, bathed, and parents getting time out in the process.

Motherhood (and parenting) is seen as a set of tasks that can be accomplished by many types of people, including relatives, friends, neighbours, and paid helpers.

The way we raise our children now, in our western culture, is highly unusual as compared to most of the world, and “the result is something unique in human history … a [mum] stuck in a box, often alone, doing the job typically performed by a handful of people.” (https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/05/11/603315432/the-best-mothers-day-gift-get-mom-out-of-the-box)

We’re not meant to do this alone. Don’t feel guilty for craving an alloparent. Seek them out, lean on them, and let them lift your burden. Be there for other mums — and offer to take care of their kids — without them having to ask. Build your village.